How To Be Alone

Dear Avon Lady

Thirty years ago you rang my doorbell... and saved my sanity. 

We were a couple of city kids who romanticized about moving out to the country and living a natural life.  We wanted land and a nice little house, a place to raise a family in the wild.  When we started looking though, it became clear immediately that we could afford a house or land but not both.  Then the realator remembered a place... ten acres of wooded land along a creeek, with a fenced pasture and mobile home.  Perfect!  We'd build our house later, the house we'd dreamed of.

We moved out there and made it home.  Vinny was a UPS delivery driver then and took our only car into the city every day.  He worked late and it was a long drive home.  I was 4 months pregnant and alone.  So alone.

One day the door bell rang and it was you, the friendly neighborhood Avon Lady.  You sat beside me on my hand-me-down sofa and brought my new community into my living room.  We talked.  You told me you sell Avon mostly just to get to know people and share God's love with them.  I told you about my increasing apprehension regarding my pregancyand being out here all alone with no vehicle and not knowing anyone to call if something happened.  You gave me your phone number and said to call you.  Several days later you took me on a little field trip to meet my neighbors.

Thirty years late... I thank you for your beautiful, neighborly hospitality. ♥

Dear Daughter-in-Law

Try to chalk it up to another of life's lessons. If you can let it go. You trusted and had good reason to. You were offered the job and had accepted it. You were high on the possibilities. You were ready for the changes. You were full of hope. You were ready!

And then it was jerked out from under you at the last minute. The shock! ... after you had given up your lease... after CJ had given notice... after you had looked at houses in the new town... after you had made plans! So unfair. Probably illegal, even. But it was done anyway.

A life lesson. People disappoint. People betray. Even people who consider themselves to be good people will do it sometimes if it fills their own needs. So learn from it and move on. But don't stop trusting. Learn that life goes on, that people are weak but life is good. Be cautious, be flexible but don't give up. Remember how it feels to be treated like this and do the right thing yourself. Learn the importance of integrity and accountability.

Life is good. You are so intelligent and capable. You have so much potential. You have a beautiful baby. You are so loved!

What more do you really need?

Yes, life its still so good.

Dear Friend,

I am sitting here in the sunshine on this first day of June. It's humid and the sweat drips off my forehead onto this letter. My hands are glistening with perspiration but, well... it feels good... the heat. It's been a long cold spring.

It's like when the kids come trundling into the house from college laden with dirty laundry and dragging guitars and amps and cords all of which get dropped in the living room. Yet they also bring laughter and music and joy back into our quiet home. It is all good.

It feels like that, this coming of summer. And just as I am so glad for the kids to come home again I am also glad for their leaving in the fall even as I feel the regret of the lonelier months to come.

Everything changes. But life is still good.

Dear Soldier,

My son, Brady, is a college student who just returned from a canoe trip in the Boundary Waters National Park up on the border of Canada and Minnesota. He was gone nine days. When I asked if he'd had a good time he paused. "No. But I'm glad I did it."

There had been good times. There were friendships were built, times of reflection and learning, quiet times of deep peace and spiritual growth. But overall, it was hard work and much to endure surviving in the wilderness, paddling across lakes, portaging through the forest with gear, waiting out the rains. He is grateful for the experience and would even gladly go again. But it was not fun. He made sacrifices and that grew him up some.

It was only a short time and compared to what many of you are enduring it is not comparable... but in some small way I think it is. When you come home you can feel proud. You can feel stronger. You will have changed and, if you let it, you can use what you have learned, what you have endured to be a better person. You can become a kinder, more tolerant person, one who searches and finds the good in any situation.

God has a hand in everything. He doesn't make the horrible situations we find ourselves in but he is there. He will use it to make something better. We may never understand what it is but we can live gratefully knowing that God is there.

Dear Soldier,

Memorial Day. I do not want to be that person who only cares now and then. Today I found some addresses to write to soldiers and I will start doing that again. When you know someone in the thick of battle, in harm's way, it stays close to you. It stays real. It's always close to the surface of one's reality even when not consciously thinking about it. I've fallen away from that kind of thought but I need to bring it closer than just an occasional blurb on the news.

My friend, Austin, was in the Marines and did 3 tours in Iraq. Austin went through the horror of an ambush where several in his unit were killed, including his commanding officer. He also experienced a bullet ricocheting around inside his humvee, constant bombardments to his base to name a few of the things I know of. One doesn't really ever get over that sort of thing. When he finally returned for good he wanted something to remember his 6 lost brothers. He had an idea for a tattoo and asked me to design it for him. I did.

Austin still struggles with PSD and nightmares and other issues that often go hand in hand with that. The good news for you guys out there is that he has met a woman who is willing to stick by him on the journey and he is getting married this fall.

There is life after war. Believe in yourself. Believe that God will stand by you always and help you. When you are knocked down, he'll pick you up or send someone to help you get up.

Pray for it and then watch for it.

Blessings to all and thank you, my friends, for your incredible sacrifice

Dear Bride

This morning I wanted to sleep in... but was wide awake by 6:00 a.m. with thoughts of all that needed to be done today, your wedding day!

I began to make a schedule in my head of all that would need to be accomplished. I arose to make some coffee, thinking that these few rare moments of quiet before the rest of the house awakens would be just what I needed to get me in the right frame of mind for all my duties and the hectic day that lay ahead.

I settled into my chair with the steamy beverage and looked to my bookshelf for a morning devotion. My hand fell upon a book entitled You Bring the Umbrella, Lord by Joy Morgan Davis. I opened it to this little prayer. It calmed me so much that I wanted to share it with you on this most glorious of stress-filled, joy-filled days.

The Song

Dear God...
You amaze me!
You enter my mind In tiny sunbeams of thought
Enlightening
Lifting
Putting me at peace...
So that suddenly
From within, my
Eyes see clearly as tho the
Curtains had been parted
Or the underbrush pulled away
From in front of a cave...

And I walk out,
Singing softly.

And so... Forget all the worries and strain of these last few weeks. The decisions are made and the plans are in motion. All is well and you are ready. We are ready. Enjoy today! Trust! Just let the day happen all around you as you walk joyfully into the waiting arms of your beloved. Let go and let God!

Dear Mother-in-law

You knew his death was coming and you tried to prepare… but somehow making those decisions while he was still living seemed callous and scared you both… as if to put it off would put off the inevitable that the doctors, for months now, said could happen at any time. “The heart is just worn out” they said. If you thought about it too much or planned for it, might that hasten it somehow? No! Don’t think about it!

Cemetery plots and head stones and funeral homes and lost pensions (he died a day too soon) and the loss of your own social security checks. And do you want a limousine and little memory cards and laminated obituaries? How many people will come and how do we get them here? Hotel rooms or house guests? The airline tickets... the gasoline expense... who will go get them? Lost work time and lost class time and food, food, food for all of the very large family and the many guests. The fee for the church and a stipend for the priest and the singers and the organist and the printing of the funeral order of service. The photos and enlargements and photo frames and the mourning clothes for family; the black suits and ties and belts and shoes for the pall bearers . Thank you notes and postage and … and … and... there is always one more thing to decide, something to pay for, something pressing.

You thought you were prepared, but you had no idea… all the little incidental expenses… All the things to think about when your brain is still numb. Important decisions that must be made with no time to think. Decisions that do not seem important at all but still must also be made. All of these years your role has been the caregiver, the advice giver for all and you are still trying... but you are so tired.

All of the decisions and expenses do not fall to you but you are aware of them and feel burdened by it. You understand that others who care about you have taken on an added burden to keep the weight from you. They are hurting too and you know this but you let them help you because your heart is heavy and your hands are heavy and your mind is dull. You are coping from day to day, from minute to minute.

You are vaguely aware of all the busyness around you. You are in the midst of it but feel as if everyone is a blur around you and you sit alone. You feel alone with all the people around you. Your children and grandchildren are here by your side every minute but he isn’t here. You feel so alone and you say so. We all stop in mid-sentence, in mid-step, and pause. We are stunned. Suddenly we recognize the truth in your words and we weep in our hearts. We know it is true and that our arms around you and our words of love cannot replace those of the man who was at your side for 60 years.

It is as if you are being pummeled when you have already fallen to your knees and begged for mercy. Your friends and family are here in the circle with you trying to hold back the beating, taking many of the blows, but it is not enough. You will have to gather your strength… You will look over and see God in your corner and it will give you hope and you will rise to your feet again. We will cheer and hold you up and the weight will be shared by all of us. You will realize, we will realize, that together we can endure it.

Dear Proud-to-be-an-Atheist

I won't tell you this to your face but.... I feel so sorry for you. I like you, have even come to love you, and it makes me so sad to see your struggles in life with no one beside you to help you carry the load. If only you knew the boundless and eternal love of God. If only you could feel Jesus' arms encircle you and dissolve your pain into only warmth. But you reject Jesus and deny God. so it is.

I've known you since you were 5 years old, a friend of my son's. I have a photo of you all at his July birthday party when you were all painted up like Indians, making muscles and silly faces before the ensuing waterfight.

You were always the quiet one. The one that never really looked you in the eye. Always guarded. Shy to the very definition and... wary. Afraid to let anyone see your heart. And that was even before your Mom left your Dad... and both of you kids to fend for yourselves.

I knew your Mom and liked her back then. We were all shocked but, of course, know one really knows what is happening in another's marriage. She must have had her reasons.

I am surprised, really that you and Casey have remained friends all these years. You are so very different but Casey has always been attracted to the "downtrodden" and I suppose you value the fact that he sticks by you even in your quietness and your intellectualism (which is way beyond him) and just lets you be you. Casey is good at that. You are also tolerant of his sometimes arrogance and his own neediness to be loved. A good match perhaps for lifelong friends.

As the mother of your friend I have remained at the very edges of your life. You are 22 years old and you have a mother who loves you...but I have tried to stay interested and involved. We encourage your participation in our family as much as possible. You show up our dinner table now and then and you are always welcome there. Casey has taken you with us on our family ski trip and our family vacation camping in Custer State Park. That was only a week after your father died of brain cancer.

You are still the quiet one but I have also seen your funny side. Your wit is quick and can be stinging. When you let loose, and I'm sure you do with your friends, you can be the funniest one there with your smart remarks. I am certain there is so much more to you than you let on. You are incredibly creative and artistic and smart. You have just graduated from college and now you are searching, searching, searching.

You tried to get into the Peace Corps but you were not accepted. What a disappointment that was for you. That's the reason I invited you to join us on the Mission Trip to Mississippi. I warned you that it was a group of Methodists but you came anyway. I know you must've hated those daily devotionals and worships every evening but you came.

Of anyone I know, YOU NEED GOD IN YOUR LIFE. He is what you are searching for! I have found there are two kinds of people that just find God impossible. The wealthy (just about every American by the world's standards, see www.globalrichlist.com ) have a little problem putting God first. It is my biggest struggle as a Christian. The second is the Intellectual. If you can't explain it, if it doesn't make sense, if there is no proof, if YOU can't understand it, well, it just can't be possible. You have such a big belief in your own power of intellect that there is no possibility for something that is beyond your understanding. Too bad.

So...try to expose you to what real family life is like, not all perfect by a long shot but plenty of love and closeness. I try to show you that all Christians aren't puitans and judgemental. Yeah, we are probably all hypocrits now and then or more often but we just keep trying to do better. We know we can't give up because God is counting on us. He loves us through our mistakes and our questions and he shows us th joy in the small moments and the good in everything even when things look bad. Oh, how I wish you knew this, too. You need our Savior.

Dear Father-in-law

Yesterday was Father's Day. The family all gathered in your home once again. You told me that all six of your children made it by, and all of the 10 grandchildren that still live in town! There was pride in your voice. It was your oldest grandson's first Father's Day as a father himself and he brought the twins, your first great-grandchildren, with him. He's a doctor now and his knowledge, both medical and of your family, has been invaluable to all of us in the last few months.

It is likely that this will be your last Father's Day, now that you are in Cardiac Hospice Care. They say that you have been living on borrowed time for the last three years...your heart can't get better...it can't get worse (it can only stop beating altogether). You are staying positive but you know the score. Yesterday you told me you wanted to put some of your clothes in the Garage Sale, you told my boys to come and get all the copper pipe you have stored in your basement. You heard it is quite valuable right now. You told them to go sell it at salvage and keep the money. You are preparing, aren't you?

So I remember back 28 years to when I first met you, Vinny's funny Irish dad, Patrick. Born on St. Patrick's Day, a first generation American born of an Irish immigrant father, who traveled to America by himself at the age of 14, and a mother who was a product of the famous Orphan Trains, gathered up and sent to the midwest where she became a "domestic" for her adopted family. You love to talk about it all.

You were not at all crazy about the idea of your youngest son marrying "out of the faith" but we did it anyway. We are still the only non-catholics in the family! It was a big deal; a disappointment. Yet on our wedding day you whispered in my ear "I now have more daughters than I have sons." You have had my heart ever since.

Dear Angry Parent

You called and wanted to talk to the Lunch Lady...okay, I do the lunches, I admitted with cheer in my voice. I get so many calls at the end of the school year with questions about the kids' lunch money accounts. I welcome the opportunity to explain to parents because at this time of year I am required to be very strict about letting kids eat when there is no money in their accounts.

Your attack began.

• Why hadn't I taken your son's dollar in the lunch line? (I can't take $ in the line-they have accts... they are suppposed to turn it into the office... a dollar wouldn't have dug him out... I'd already let him eat into the hole... he knows all this, he's in Jr. High, for pity's sake)
  
• Why had I sent him to get a free PB&J sandwhich? He doesn't like PB&J? (we do this as a favor to the kid so they won't go hungry just because their parents won't pay for their lunch... he's in Jr. Hi and knows how it works... he's told every day when he gets below $5, so he knew at least 4 days in advance that he was out... it's in the bulletin every morning that they will get PBJ if they are out of money)
  

• Why didn't I let your daughter eat when I let the kid ahead of her eat with no $? (didn't happen... he may have had some $ but not enough to cover the full lunch, in which case I would have told him he could eat... she could not know the circumstances of the boy ahead of her-it's private- could she must have misunderstood)... in the elementary school she has gotten a letter every day for the past week letting you know exactly how much money is left in her account, explaining that we no longer let them go 3 lunches in the hole at this time of year, informing you that PB&J will be available for kids with no $. EVERY DAY I do this even though it's a huge pain, because I don't want the kids to run out of $!)

You gave me no chance to explain, no opportunity to defend. Every time I tried to get a few words out you interrupted me and said you didn't want to hear it because YOUR KID SAID this and that. I wondered if you even know anything about kids. Do you know how their point of few is sometimes skewed? ... and how they don't always have all the info needed to understand? ... and how they don't always tell us everything... and how they sometimes say things, exaggerate or leave pertinent facts, to get out of trouble?

• You informed me that you have been mad all year about this stuff and I wondered why you waited until you were crazy-mad to call instead of earlier if you had questions. I wondered why you haven't signed up for Free or Reduced meals if you have difficulty getting your kids lunches paid for. That is why we have that program. I did not tell you any of this...couldn't have even if I wanted to.

• You said you wanted me to treat every kid the same and not favor your son over your daughter(???!!! what the heck? The only reason your daughter hasn't had to eat PBJ like your son has, is because when she gets 3 lunches in the hole you usually come up with the money but when your son runs out you just let him not eat. I can show you their lunch histories if you'd like to see them. Funny, I always thought it was you who favored her..still do, by the way.) Your kids have been in the hole most of the year. I feel sorry for them, I'm not trying to be mean to them. I think it is sad the way you pass the buck on your parental responsibilities and try to make it all about me. Does it ease your guilt?

By now I was fuming and doing everything I could to control my voice and keep it calm. But I admit I was ticked off! I finally squeezed it out, when you finally came up for air between tirades, that if you preferred I could just always turn them down and never cut them a break, and never let them go into the hole ever at all. I shouldn't have said it.

I didn't say these truths: that your kids are lying... that your son has been in the hole most of the year... that you could prevent your kids' difficulties by keeping money in their accounts like most other parents. I didn't ask if you'd send your kids to McDonalds with no $ and expect them to be given a meal...or a PB&J.

You were blowing up and I gave up trying to explain and it got worse and worse as I sat silently listening to you attack me and repeat what your saintly children had told you. You seemed to think of more and more things that were unjust as you yelled and it escalated to a fever pitch. You told me you usually weren't home but were was off today (ah...there it is! you only care about his kids' problems when it is convenient for you) so you threatened that you could just come right on over to the school this very minute! I didn't say "Bring it!" although by now my tongue was almost bleeding from all that I did not say. I wished you would come flying in so my boss could get in on this and see what an idiot you are and I could be free of it. I am not paid enough to take this kind of abuse for doing what I am required to do.

You continued ripping on me and threatening to come over to the school and I offered to let you speak to the principal... only I didn't get the words all out, of course, because you were still cutting me off and perhaps wanted me think it was your idea to talk to my boss.

I'd tell you more but I have to go get stitches in my tongue.

Dear Pastor

My faith journey has been a long slow road with me slowly trudging along, ever hopeful. I have my Christian role models and mentors and friends in Christ to help me along the way and keep me from veering too far off.

Last night at Bible Study we looked at the Discipline of Prayer and Meditation. You told the story about John Wesley at the monastery spending so much time in the confessional. He said that he could not, for 5 minutes, keep the Great Commandment. I know that you tell the story to let us know that it is a real effort and a true discipline to be true to God but I find myself thinking that if even J.W. couldn't put God first for 5 minutes, what hope is there for me?

I know that I am selfish, and prideful and judgemental and every night I think about that and pray about it and then God gives me another chance to get it right the next day and then I screw up again and the next day I try again and God forgives me and I ask him to help me do better and be better and then I mess up ...etc. ....I'm a slow learner but I have hope!

But John Wesley! It makes me discouraged to think of that.

PS ~ I've read Mother Theresa's biography and she started out as an unremarkable, unmemorable student. She is my inspiration...please don't tell any "bad" stories on her... ☺

Dear Mourning Friend,

I hurt for you today. I have seen you go through so much as she wrestled with death. I have seen you cope with it all gracefully and with incredible strength of spirit. I admire you so much. You never gave in to self-pity even when the caretaking began to take a toll on your own health. You stayed.

I saw you trying to help her; get her to eat, get her medications right, get her up when she requested it. I wondered why. I asked what would happen if she didn't eat and you explained that her blood sugar was already haywire and she could die. And we both realized at the same time that she already was dying. But you couldn't stop helping her, loving her, even when she wasn't "her" anymore.

I listened as you told me the stories of what she said and how she didn't remember anything and said crazy things that would be funny if she wasn't out of her head..if she wasn't dying. I listened when you told of the impossible demands she made and the ungrateful and mean things she said. But you know that wasn't her speaking you were able to remember the love she had shown you so many times over the years. You were able to remember how well she loved her grandchildren and how well she cared for them.

You didn't give up on her in the end, even through the frustration and the agony. You were still able to treat her with the respect that she deserved...that she had earned.

And I think of 1 Corinthians 15:55 "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" I pray that the pain that all of you have endured over these last months is vanquished with her death and the realization that her suffering is over and she is, at last, at peace and in the arms of our heavenly father.

God bless you, my friend.

Dear Son #3

I didn't hide my frustration very well when you called last night, did I? It was a big deal when you chose to go to Northwestern College...so far...so expensive. We went with you and checked it out and were convinced. It would be worth it.

You, my devout Christian boy, needed the Christian school with the Christian atmosphere. The college offers Chapel services 3 times a week and a Praise Worship on Sunday evenings. They convinced us that the advisors would be interested in you and help you (something we found that lacking at the colleges of sons #1 & 2). There would be Bible studies available in each dorm and the school is educationally sound as well. They offer Mission Trips and Retreats. There were lots of other opportunities, as well, like intermurals and free concerts and other fun special activities.

Your girlfriend talked her parents into going there too but swears she didn't follow you there. ☺ She, too, fell in love with the school and its' opportunities for growth as well as knowledge. Now after only one semester you have called and told us that "we" want to come back to Missouri and that she has already called to make sure everything will transfer. It is because we are so far away and don't really like it here and it's not what we thought it would be like.

Can you hear my frustration?

Dear Warrior,

So…Love came down at Christmas and that is the
true gift of God. It is my wish that in
the middle of war you are
cherishing every person you love and

telling them so. It is my wish that you are
valuing every moment you have on this earth,
not taking any one or anything
for granted. It is my wish that you are able to

find joy in the small comforts in a hard world, that you will
recognize beauty in a harsh environment,
find Love in the small gestures of those around you today and
see God in the every face. It is my wish that you will

thank God for every small miracle and that you
will take the time to
see them for the gifts they are. It is my wish that you will
seek God’s forgiveness and

experience the Joy you will find in that
freely given, yet undeserved gift. It is my wish that you will
pass along that forgiveness to others and to yourself and
experience the Peace that comes with doing that.

God bless you and Godspeed.

Dear Marine

It’s not yet Thanksgiving and yet here I go sending you wishes for Christmas! Maybe that will help me to keep things in perspective before I get caught up in the materialism of the secular Christmas that is so prevalent here in the States.

I do wish you a Merry Christmas! I know that it is possible to have a beautiful Christmas wherever you may be if you keep the true meaning of Christmas in your heart. Forget about the gifts and glitz and Santas and snowmen and tinsel and trees for a few minutes.. Remember that ancient of sayings? “All that glitters is not gold.” You may be in a much better place for keeping Christmas “right” than we are here.

We are so bombarded by ads and commercials and billboards and shopping….we forget to remember. Jesus was born in a dusty, lonely stable, probably smelling of hay and animals..…not a bad thing but definitely not high and mighty or glorious. He wasn’t born to rich folks but a carpenter and his young wife. Just common people, not chosen for this honor because of their knowledge or status or their wealth but because of their uncommon and incredible faith in our God and love for him.

Can you imagine what awesome faith Mary must have had to know what she would have to endure as an unwed mother back then? What would people think?!!! She was betrothed to Joseph but would he believe that she was still a virgin and carrying God’s child? Joseph had the “right” to have her punished for infidelity or at the least, he would be expected to divorce her and leave her abandoned.

God made sure Joseph understood that Mary was “conceived in the Holy Spirit” and all was good with her. So he stayed with Mary, that left him in a position of ridicule, too. What would people think? Folks surely believed that Mary was either unfaithful to Joseph or that he and Mary had conceived a son together before their marriage…both big ol’ No-No’s back then. (Oh, yeah, they still are!…we forget.)

Wow! What amazing faith and trust in God those two had! Anyway, back to Christmas night. Mary riding a donkey while in labor! (I wasn’t sure I would survive the 30 minute trip in the car on the way to the hospital when I was in labor!) At the point when they discovered the stable Mary must have been grateful just for a soft place to lie down! We take our cushy lives so for granted. I’ll bet you don’t take your simple bunk for granted, after having slept on tarmac and in foxholes and in mud and dust.

So…there you are in Iraq at Christmas. So very far from those you love and all that is a normal Christmas. My prayer for you is that you will recognize the gift of God sending his son to us so that we could really understand how to love God … So we wouldn‘t get so sidetracked by all the worldly “rules“ … So we would have a perfect example to follow… So that our sins would be forever forgiven… So we would love one another.

Oh, how very short we fall of all that! It amazes me how he just keeps on forgiving us. Every day I wake up in the morning and thank God for another day, another chance to get it right. Then I try but I get sidetracked and distracted by the world in front of me and my own selfish desires. Stumbling about, tripping and falling and there, always, is God’s hand willing to pull me back up and guide me back onto his path one more time. Do you every feel like that?

Sometimes I feel like I spend so much time shopping, making sure my loved ones aren’t around to see the many and expensive gifts I have purchased for them. that I spend little time with them. I am too busy! Spending $ instead of time.

Sometimes I feel like I plan every minute of December trying to fit in the parties (with coworkers, with acquaintances, with friends, with family) and the events ( Christmas concerts & programs, Big Sales & shopping days, Tree Lightings and Santa-seeing) that Ihave no time left to relax with the friends, with family, with God. I am too busy. Spending time running around instead of paying attention.

Sometimes I feel like I pay so much attention to what is expected of me, by family, friends, society, and the world that I forget what God expects of me. I am so busy giving my heart to the Christmas Machine that I forget to give it to God.


So Marine, as I pray for your safety and that you keep hope and love in your heart with your simplified version of Christmas, maybe you could pray for me, too, that I might find God in the middle of my hectic Christmas season. That I could put Jesus back in the center of, not just Christmas, but my whole life.

Dear Marine

Can't sleep. They're getting better at killing you, better at targeting you, better at penetrating your armor. I feel sickened thinking of you over there with only the protection of your own wits and intuition...and God.

They're getting desperate. You are starting to take a toll on them and block them from coming in and, maybe, just maybe, the Iraqi people are allowing themselves to see some hope, some light at the end of the tunnel. So they, those insurgents, those people that do not have Iraq's best interest at heart, they have become desperate. But in their desperation, it appears, that they have also become more aggressive.

Have they been watching the idiots on the news over here? The well-meaning, the misguided and the just plain spotlight-seeking protestors carrying signs of varying degrees of hurtful words. Do they know that what they see on TV is not America? Do they know that our media doesn't cover the every-day thoughts of we the people, but only the weird and the different make the news? Hello! That's not what's going on over here! The media hasn't done a survey that shows that every 3rd vehicle driving down the road has a yellow ribbon supporting you.

I HATE THE WAR! I want you home. I want you safe. I want you to be able to sit on the porch swing and watch the neighbor kids ride their bikes up and down the streets, laughing. I want you to walk out into the pasture, up over the hill and watch the sunset, I want you to sleep til noon on Saturday morning, I want you to wrap your arms around every person you love and tell them so, right into their teary eyes. But... you are there and you are doing what needs to be done for those that cannot, will not, don't know how, don't even know that they should... like a father that goes to work every day even when his children beg him to stay home and be play with them. If only he could, but he knows what they don't understand. So... I hate the war. I hate that our world has wicked and evil people that must be forced into submission. Ah, but there it is. Someone has to have the balls to do it.

Marine, you are a true patriot. I know that you sometimes, when the bullets are flying around your head, forget why you signed up. I know that there are times, when you have leaned over the body of your best friend and cried, when it didn't seem worth it. I know there are times, when you remember your mom's tears and your girlfriend's arms around you, that wish you could be home to comfort them. I know that in the quiet moments, as you were driving the humvee back to base heavy with the bodies of those that were killed by the IED, you wonder where God is.

My dear Marine, God is listening to your prayers and the millions and millions of prayers of those praying for you. He is among you , by your side and with you at all times. He feels your tears and is crying with you. He sees your hate. He knows what you have done and why you did it and he forgives you and only asks that you start over every day and try again. He loves you through it all. When you give up on him he is still right there with you, loving you. Can't you feel it?

They are getting desperate...they can see the tide turning toward you...can you feel it, too?

Dear Children

Hey kids, what are you thinking? The cooks at school did such a nice thing for you this week in honor of National School Lunches Week. The Head Cook went to al lot of trouble and some expense to plan these fun activities for you and you were sooooo ungrateful. It was shameful!

Each day a cook would stand at the lunch line and hand you a bill of fake money to be reimbursed with a toy from her "store" at the end of the week. At first you were confused but happy, then when you noticed that some kids were getting $20 and some got $5. That's when the complaints started. By day 3 the cooks were dreading the handing out phase since every kid that came through and got that $1 was not grateful but instead complained.

By the end of the week every child had at least at $5 toy that he had chosen but the jopy that is usually accompanied with giving was lost and the gratitude that is usually felt when gifted was also lost. What has happened to make us feel so entitled to good stuff. What makes us think that we should have what everyone else has?

How very, very sad.

Dear Dog

The thunder will not hurt you. (The lightening actually could but I won't let you in on that and the possibility is remote anyway.) You start getting all jittery when there is even alittle rumble in the distance 5 minutes before I can even hear it! Dog, you've got to stop! Window screens are expensive. You have ruined so many window screens that we don't even bother to replace them anymore. We just live with no screens at all on front porch windows. I don't really mind that most of the time...it makes for a quick way to let Cat out. But on those beautiful Spring and Autumn days when there is a nice cool breeze and the hint of the season to come in the air...OH! How I want to open those windows and let the outdoors blow through the house at last in the Spring, or one last time in Autumn.

It doesn't help get you in anyway, Dog, to scratch away at the window and knock all of my flower pots upside down to the deck below. You are a smart dog in other regards...why can't you figure out that windows can't be crawled through and that we cannot let you in if we are not at home.

Come on, Dog, you know when we are at home. You hear our cars coming a mile away and begin the run up the driveay, tail wagging before the rest of us even know there is a car coming at all. See! You are a smart dog! (how do you do that anyway? Know our vehicle from the other many cars that come up that hill?)

Dog, you are old enough to have lived through so many thunderstorms that you must know that you always survive them. You live on 10 acres! There are plenty of lovely hiding spots to get you out of the rain and thunder. Go to the shed, go to the Play House, go to the little barn, go to the dog pen and curl up on a nice bale of hay and enjoy!

Dog! Thunder won't hurt you!

Dear Son #2

It has been almost a month since she broke your heart. Yet when I talked to you yesterday and you said "I'm doing alright." I heard "I'm hurting still". You told me you were lonely and I know it is true. You aren't ready to move on but you can't stand to be alone. I ache for you, my son, as only a mother can.

You've been sleeping on the sofa instead of in your room. You fall asleep watching silly cartoons late at night. You need to keep your mind occupied but most TV shows are about relationships and it reminds you... so you opt for those dopey cartoons and silly shows that you haven't watched in years. You don't want to be alone at night with thoughts of her and what-is in your head.

I loved her, too, you know. I want to be angry at her but I think she did the right thing. Her timing stunk though, didn't it? You were there for her so many times in the last 2 years, never asking much of her. She had told you over and over that she loved you...and you believed it. Much of the anguish comes from knowing that her words were hollow. Will you ever trust again?

I know that you had talked about marriage and she seemed eager to marry you. You both knew that the timing wasn't right, you needed to finish college and figure things out and so did she. I guess she did figure things out. She called me crying, to tell me the "why", and for that I am grateful. It seems shallow, her reasoning, but if she wants more than you can give or are willing to give to her then she has made the right choice. Even though you gave her so much of yourself and your life, your lives are taking different paths and she recognizes this.

You are on the path of maturity and she is just starting into that "Gotta be me" thing that is common with just-turned 21 year olds. She wants to drink and dance and play at life for awhile. The recent divorce of her older friend and mentor didn't help matters did it? She was pulled further away from you when Katie needed a pal to go bar hopping with.

She did love you though. Maybe it wasn't the forever-after kinid of love that you are looking for but it was real. She wasn't ready to be there for you. She needed you to be there for her but she doesn't know how to do that we-can-work-at-this-and-make-it-work thing that makes marriages hold through the tough times. There will always be tough times. It's all about commitment....That staying with it even when it's hard....That riding the roller coaster on the up hills not just on the crazy-fun parts. All relationships advance to the not-always-fun stage if they are worthwhile.

So...you are on the right track in moving on and not waiting to see if she grows tired of the night life. She might... but she might not. You are trying to stay busy and get with old friends and make new ones. It's not easy but you can do it. You will survive this be better for it and stronger and, yes, more cautious with your heart. But have hope! Always there is hope. Life is full of pain and moments of sadness but there is always joy behind it if one looks. Keep looking and know that your Mom and Dad and your brothers and some friends will always be there for you in different ways.

And, of course, I can't let this letter end without reminding you that God has the greatest love for you of all and will never disappoint you even if all of the rest of us do. It doesn't matter that you aren't loving him back. He still loves you and believes in you! He's waiting for you with arms wide open. Please open your heart to him and let him carry your burdens. It will be so very much easier on you when you are able to do this. In the mean time, there are many of us praying for you.

Love always,
Mom

Dear Marine

It's September here in Missouri, still hot but with a hint of Autumn in the air today. I walked out to get the mail this afternoon and couldn't resist the hammock in the shade of the peach tree on the trip back to the house. I laid across it, just for a few minutes, as I sorted through today's bills and flyers. There was a sweet thank you note from a friend who had left for college for the first time only 3 weeks ago. I recognized her big round letters and smiled before I even opened it, knowing that the small package I had sent had brought a tiny moment of joy into her exciting, new and homesick world. Then my thoughts turned to you, my faraway friend.

I remember the first time you went off to Iraq. You had no idea what to expect. I barely knew you then except through your mom. She was so upset when you enlisted but she also recognized that you had been having difficulty finding your place in life and prayed that the Marines would fill the hunger in you. You were so young and fresh and eager then.

I talked to your mom for a long time the other night. She didn't cry this time. You have just deployed for your third tour of Iraq. The fear inside her still fills her up for she, too, has lost her innocence. But she has had to learn to trust you and your instincts and your comrades... and God. There were times when I didn't think she would survive Iraq but she is a survivor. You get that from her.

As I lay in the hammock with that hint of late summer in the air...a few lone cicadas buzzing their constant circular song with a gentle breeze rustling the pages in my lap, I remember that you are over there. I send up a silent prayer, as I do every time you cross my mind, and wonder how you are faring. Your mom told me how, when you phoned last week, you told her about the new guys who jumped at the sound of mortars each time and were astounded at you guys who never even flinched. She chuckled.

Once upon a time the mortars frightened you something awful but you learned that most of them don't hit anyone. One time one hit right near you and your buddy and you never even blinked, you'd become so accustomed to them and perhaps to death, too, by then. But then you realized after that your hands were shaking. Yes, Marine, you are still alive, amazingly and gratefully, still alive.

So, you are probably one of the old men in your platoon this time, at 22 isn't it? Respected for your battle scars perhaps, even though they can't be seen. Are you able to sleep yet, friend? Do the nightmares still come? Can you put them aside and rest? Can you be a leader and a role model to these young men that look up to you and teach them the battle skills that they will need to survive the horror you will see out there?

The weight is heavy. I know that most of your buddies didn't survive the 2nd tour. I know that some of those that did are out now and that it was hard for you to see them escape, even as you rejoiced for them. I know that the memories haunt you. But I also know how strong you have become and how beautiful you still are. When you get through this next journey you will have learned some things that some people, most people, never know.

You will know how to rejoice in every day and in every person around you for you know how fragile life is. You won't take anything or anyone for granted the way the rest of us often do. You will have learned that human beings are capable of things that we can't imagine, both great and horrible. You will know that one can survive anything as long as there is hope. You will learn to hope again. You will learn to push aside the most awful of things your memory tries to show you but you will retain it in the back your mind to make you into a kinder more aware person. You will have learned to trust God in all things and give your burdens to him.

It was a beautiful day here. My prayer for you today is that you find a small piece of beauty there and share it with someone else.

Go with God.

Dear World

You seem to be spinning out of control. Why we humans aren't flying off of you like the drops of water off of a wet dog as he shakes is amazing to me. We, people in general, deserve to be spun off. Flicked away like a nuisance fly or swatted like a blood-sucking mosquito that is sucking the life out of you. Why do we take from you and take from you and not take care of you? And yet, Dear Earth, you hold us tenderly as if we are a beautiful butterfly. You must surely recognize that as individuals we are often good and kind yet weak and perhaps innocent in our thoughtlessness. Are you trying to wake us up?