Dear Daughter-in-Law

Try to chalk it up to another of life's lessons. If you can let it go. You trusted and had good reason to. You were offered the job and had accepted it. You were high on the possibilities. You were ready for the changes. You were full of hope. You were ready!

And then it was jerked out from under you at the last minute. The shock! ... after you had given up your lease... after CJ had given notice... after you had looked at houses in the new town... after you had made plans! So unfair. Probably illegal, even. But it was done anyway.

A life lesson. People disappoint. People betray. Even people who consider themselves to be good people will do it sometimes if it fills their own needs. So learn from it and move on. But don't stop trusting. Learn that life goes on, that people are weak but life is good. Be cautious, be flexible but don't give up. Remember how it feels to be treated like this and do the right thing yourself. Learn the importance of integrity and accountability.

Life is good. You are so intelligent and capable. You have so much potential. You have a beautiful baby. You are so loved!

What more do you really need?

Yes, life its still so good.

Dear Friend,

I am sitting here in the sunshine on this first day of June. It's humid and the sweat drips off my forehead onto this letter. My hands are glistening with perspiration but, well... it feels good... the heat. It's been a long cold spring.

It's like when the kids come trundling into the house from college laden with dirty laundry and dragging guitars and amps and cords all of which get dropped in the living room. Yet they also bring laughter and music and joy back into our quiet home. It is all good.

It feels like that, this coming of summer. And just as I am so glad for the kids to come home again I am also glad for their leaving in the fall even as I feel the regret of the lonelier months to come.

Everything changes. But life is still good.

Dear Bride

This morning I wanted to sleep in... but was wide awake by 6:00 a.m. with thoughts of all that needed to be done today, your wedding day!

I began to make a schedule in my head of all that would need to be accomplished. I arose to make some coffee, thinking that these few rare moments of quiet before the rest of the house awakens would be just what I needed to get me in the right frame of mind for all my duties and the hectic day that lay ahead.

I settled into my chair with the steamy beverage and looked to my bookshelf for a morning devotion. My hand fell upon a book entitled You Bring the Umbrella, Lord by Joy Morgan Davis. I opened it to this little prayer. It calmed me so much that I wanted to share it with you on this most glorious of stress-filled, joy-filled days.

The Song

Dear God...
You amaze me!
You enter my mind In tiny sunbeams of thought
Enlightening
Lifting
Putting me at peace...
So that suddenly
From within, my
Eyes see clearly as tho the
Curtains had been parted
Or the underbrush pulled away
From in front of a cave...

And I walk out,
Singing softly.

And so... Forget all the worries and strain of these last few weeks. The decisions are made and the plans are in motion. All is well and you are ready. We are ready. Enjoy today! Trust! Just let the day happen all around you as you walk joyfully into the waiting arms of your beloved. Let go and let God!

Dear Mother-in-law

You knew his death was coming and you tried to prepare… but somehow making those decisions while he was still living seemed callous and scared you both… as if to put it off would put off the inevitable that the doctors, for months now, said could happen at any time. “The heart is just worn out” they said. If you thought about it too much or planned for it, might that hasten it somehow? No! Don’t think about it!

Cemetery plots and head stones and funeral homes and lost pensions (he died a day too soon) and the loss of your own social security checks. And do you want a limousine and little memory cards and laminated obituaries? How many people will come and how do we get them here? Hotel rooms or house guests? The airline tickets... the gasoline expense... who will go get them? Lost work time and lost class time and food, food, food for all of the very large family and the many guests. The fee for the church and a stipend for the priest and the singers and the organist and the printing of the funeral order of service. The photos and enlargements and photo frames and the mourning clothes for family; the black suits and ties and belts and shoes for the pall bearers . Thank you notes and postage and … and … and... there is always one more thing to decide, something to pay for, something pressing.

You thought you were prepared, but you had no idea… all the little incidental expenses… All the things to think about when your brain is still numb. Important decisions that must be made with no time to think. Decisions that do not seem important at all but still must also be made. All of these years your role has been the caregiver, the advice giver for all and you are still trying... but you are so tired.

All of the decisions and expenses do not fall to you but you are aware of them and feel burdened by it. You understand that others who care about you have taken on an added burden to keep the weight from you. They are hurting too and you know this but you let them help you because your heart is heavy and your hands are heavy and your mind is dull. You are coping from day to day, from minute to minute.

You are vaguely aware of all the busyness around you. You are in the midst of it but feel as if everyone is a blur around you and you sit alone. You feel alone with all the people around you. Your children and grandchildren are here by your side every minute but he isn’t here. You feel so alone and you say so. We all stop in mid-sentence, in mid-step, and pause. We are stunned. Suddenly we recognize the truth in your words and we weep in our hearts. We know it is true and that our arms around you and our words of love cannot replace those of the man who was at your side for 60 years.

It is as if you are being pummeled when you have already fallen to your knees and begged for mercy. Your friends and family are here in the circle with you trying to hold back the beating, taking many of the blows, but it is not enough. You will have to gather your strength… You will look over and see God in your corner and it will give you hope and you will rise to your feet again. We will cheer and hold you up and the weight will be shared by all of us. You will realize, we will realize, that together we can endure it.

Dear Father-in-law

Yesterday was Father's Day. The family all gathered in your home once again. You told me that all six of your children made it by, and all of the 10 grandchildren that still live in town! There was pride in your voice. It was your oldest grandson's first Father's Day as a father himself and he brought the twins, your first great-grandchildren, with him. He's a doctor now and his knowledge, both medical and of your family, has been invaluable to all of us in the last few months.

It is likely that this will be your last Father's Day, now that you are in Cardiac Hospice Care. They say that you have been living on borrowed time for the last three years...your heart can't get better...it can't get worse (it can only stop beating altogether). You are staying positive but you know the score. Yesterday you told me you wanted to put some of your clothes in the Garage Sale, you told my boys to come and get all the copper pipe you have stored in your basement. You heard it is quite valuable right now. You told them to go sell it at salvage and keep the money. You are preparing, aren't you?

So I remember back 28 years to when I first met you, Vinny's funny Irish dad, Patrick. Born on St. Patrick's Day, a first generation American born of an Irish immigrant father, who traveled to America by himself at the age of 14, and a mother who was a product of the famous Orphan Trains, gathered up and sent to the midwest where she became a "domestic" for her adopted family. You love to talk about it all.

You were not at all crazy about the idea of your youngest son marrying "out of the faith" but we did it anyway. We are still the only non-catholics in the family! It was a big deal; a disappointment. Yet on our wedding day you whispered in my ear "I now have more daughters than I have sons." You have had my heart ever since.

Dear Son #3

I didn't hide my frustration very well when you called last night, did I? It was a big deal when you chose to go to Northwestern College...so far...so expensive. We went with you and checked it out and were convinced. It would be worth it.

You, my devout Christian boy, needed the Christian school with the Christian atmosphere. The college offers Chapel services 3 times a week and a Praise Worship on Sunday evenings. They convinced us that the advisors would be interested in you and help you (something we found that lacking at the colleges of sons #1 & 2). There would be Bible studies available in each dorm and the school is educationally sound as well. They offer Mission Trips and Retreats. There were lots of other opportunities, as well, like intermurals and free concerts and other fun special activities.

Your girlfriend talked her parents into going there too but swears she didn't follow you there. ☺ She, too, fell in love with the school and its' opportunities for growth as well as knowledge. Now after only one semester you have called and told us that "we" want to come back to Missouri and that she has already called to make sure everything will transfer. It is because we are so far away and don't really like it here and it's not what we thought it would be like.

Can you hear my frustration?

Dear Dog

The thunder will not hurt you. (The lightening actually could but I won't let you in on that and the possibility is remote anyway.) You start getting all jittery when there is even alittle rumble in the distance 5 minutes before I can even hear it! Dog, you've got to stop! Window screens are expensive. You have ruined so many window screens that we don't even bother to replace them anymore. We just live with no screens at all on front porch windows. I don't really mind that most of the time...it makes for a quick way to let Cat out. But on those beautiful Spring and Autumn days when there is a nice cool breeze and the hint of the season to come in the air...OH! How I want to open those windows and let the outdoors blow through the house at last in the Spring, or one last time in Autumn.

It doesn't help get you in anyway, Dog, to scratch away at the window and knock all of my flower pots upside down to the deck below. You are a smart dog in other regards...why can't you figure out that windows can't be crawled through and that we cannot let you in if we are not at home.

Come on, Dog, you know when we are at home. You hear our cars coming a mile away and begin the run up the driveay, tail wagging before the rest of us even know there is a car coming at all. See! You are a smart dog! (how do you do that anyway? Know our vehicle from the other many cars that come up that hill?)

Dog, you are old enough to have lived through so many thunderstorms that you must know that you always survive them. You live on 10 acres! There are plenty of lovely hiding spots to get you out of the rain and thunder. Go to the shed, go to the Play House, go to the little barn, go to the dog pen and curl up on a nice bale of hay and enjoy!

Dog! Thunder won't hurt you!

Dear Son #2

It has been almost a month since she broke your heart. Yet when I talked to you yesterday and you said "I'm doing alright." I heard "I'm hurting still". You told me you were lonely and I know it is true. You aren't ready to move on but you can't stand to be alone. I ache for you, my son, as only a mother can.

You've been sleeping on the sofa instead of in your room. You fall asleep watching silly cartoons late at night. You need to keep your mind occupied but most TV shows are about relationships and it reminds you... so you opt for those dopey cartoons and silly shows that you haven't watched in years. You don't want to be alone at night with thoughts of her and what-is in your head.

I loved her, too, you know. I want to be angry at her but I think she did the right thing. Her timing stunk though, didn't it? You were there for her so many times in the last 2 years, never asking much of her. She had told you over and over that she loved you...and you believed it. Much of the anguish comes from knowing that her words were hollow. Will you ever trust again?

I know that you had talked about marriage and she seemed eager to marry you. You both knew that the timing wasn't right, you needed to finish college and figure things out and so did she. I guess she did figure things out. She called me crying, to tell me the "why", and for that I am grateful. It seems shallow, her reasoning, but if she wants more than you can give or are willing to give to her then she has made the right choice. Even though you gave her so much of yourself and your life, your lives are taking different paths and she recognizes this.

You are on the path of maturity and she is just starting into that "Gotta be me" thing that is common with just-turned 21 year olds. She wants to drink and dance and play at life for awhile. The recent divorce of her older friend and mentor didn't help matters did it? She was pulled further away from you when Katie needed a pal to go bar hopping with.

She did love you though. Maybe it wasn't the forever-after kinid of love that you are looking for but it was real. She wasn't ready to be there for you. She needed you to be there for her but she doesn't know how to do that we-can-work-at-this-and-make-it-work thing that makes marriages hold through the tough times. There will always be tough times. It's all about commitment....That staying with it even when it's hard....That riding the roller coaster on the up hills not just on the crazy-fun parts. All relationships advance to the not-always-fun stage if they are worthwhile.

So...you are on the right track in moving on and not waiting to see if she grows tired of the night life. She might... but she might not. You are trying to stay busy and get with old friends and make new ones. It's not easy but you can do it. You will survive this be better for it and stronger and, yes, more cautious with your heart. But have hope! Always there is hope. Life is full of pain and moments of sadness but there is always joy behind it if one looks. Keep looking and know that your Mom and Dad and your brothers and some friends will always be there for you in different ways.

And, of course, I can't let this letter end without reminding you that God has the greatest love for you of all and will never disappoint you even if all of the rest of us do. It doesn't matter that you aren't loving him back. He still loves you and believes in you! He's waiting for you with arms wide open. Please open your heart to him and let him carry your burdens. It will be so very much easier on you when you are able to do this. In the mean time, there are many of us praying for you.

Love always,
Mom